turninglifespaiges

Today I got more mad than I have in a while. A situation got me all flustered today.

I don’t loose my cool often; I usually keep a pretty level head. I use logical reasoning, and talk myself down from getting too upset. But not today. I couldn’t shake it. I got mad when I got home, and could finally let it out.

I don’t like being upset; I really don’t like getting angry. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been mad in a while that it just overcame me. The energy, the raw emotion behind it; it felt like fire dancing across my skin. Rage.

There’s only been a couple of times I’ve really lost control of what comes out of my mouth. Where it’s like my brain short circuited, and I couldn’t stop myself.

I tend to hide when I’m going through things. I don’t want to lash out, or say something I don’t mean.

I tend to find that anything I’m upset about goes back to my dad being gone. I don’t think I’m ever going to get completely over it. I’m jealous that other people get to say goodbye to their parents and take their time with them when they hear they have a time frame left to live. I’m desirous that they get to sit with them, speak with them, ask them questions they never got to ask until the last chance. I won’t ever get those things. I didn’t even get to tell him good bye.

I’ll never forget the day I walked into the funeral hall. I made it two steps in my Army Service Uniform and fell to my knees. My aunt and sister ran to help pick me up. I couldn’t even bare the thought that it was my Dad, MY dad, in the casket at the end of the aisle. My strong and smart father, who was invincible and powerful, was laying in front of me powerless and motionless. No smart comment to say, no smirk, just still.

It’s so hard for anyone to go through that. But knowing I didn’t even get a chance to say I loved him one more time wears a hole in my soul that will never be filled.

I don’t want to take that anger, that pain out on anyone. They don’t deserve it. I just don’t know what to do with it right now. I don’t even like to say I’m jealous. I am not a jealous person, that’s not who I am in my core. I am normally very happy for other people. This must be my Achilles.

This was a hard day. There’s easier ones, but not today. There’s always tomorrow though.